Victoria, hun, your secrets are out!
This past Monday night, I settled into bed wearing my practical, flannel, monogrammed pajamas and flipped on the TV. And there it was y’all…the Victoria’s Secret 2016 Fashion Show. And although I should have turned the channel to something more thought provoking, I did not. Instead, I stared at the screen with my jaw dropped….rubbernecking. My stars and garters! Literally…there were stars like Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, and The Weeknd, and Lord knows there were plenty of garters. These models were runnin’ around neked as a jaybird on network TV. I could hear my Granny’s voice in my head, “She’s gonna get old and pneumonia dressed like that!” I began to worry about these models…reckon they’ve had a flu shot? And they all looked so hungry…which made me hungry, so I high tailed it to the kitchen and promptly grabbed a large spoon and a jar of peanut butter.
Clearly Victoria and her angels were not raised in the South cause there was zero evidence on their bodies that they’ve ever enjoyed the merits of biscuits and gravy or buttermilk fried chicken or red velvet cake. I tried to imagine Kendall Jenner driving down the road and whipping her car into a 180 after passing an illuminated red “Hot Now” Krispy Kreme doughnut sign. I doubt her Instagram account will provide evidence of such. I watched, eagerly, waiting for one of these “angels” to make a wrong move and reveal her “hootinanny” on network TV. Sure enough poor Gigi Hadid did suffer a wardrobe malfunction. One of the straps let loose on her “peak-a-boo” lace getup, but lucky for Gigi her modesty was preserved cause the whole outfit was held up by enormous black feather wings. This is certain to start a trend…soon we’ll all be wearing gigantic guardian angel wings on our shoulders. At the office…to a dinner party…to church!
As the show carried on, I got confused about exactly which fashion items were being peddled. It was down right hard to find a product you could actually purchase at a Victoria’s Secret store. The bras and panties were hard to spot among the variations of thigh high boots, peacock feathers, crystals, pink vinyl, body bronzer and large structural backpacks the models had to lug down the runway in ten inch heels. One poor gal had to wear a humongous dragon. I mean, when I think about buying some durable, comfortable, yet feminine underwear, I always think “gargantuan dragon.” Don’t you? It dawned on me that the models looked like big decorated floats you would see in a parade. Of course this wasn’t a proper parade because there were no Shriners whipping around on mini go-carts.
Just when I thought I had seen it all, they revealed the 3 million dollar “Fantasy Bra.” It’s only 3 million dollars? Day-um! I’ll take two! The Fantasy bra is made out of 450 carats of diamonds and includes a bodice constructed from more than 27,000 Swarovski crystals. I don’t know about y’all, but I tend to sweat between my boobs so I am a bit concerned about how I’ll wash my new fantasy bras. Wonder if Woolite will do the trick? Or maybe I could just dip the whole dern bra into a jar of jewelry cleaner. Seems like just squirting it with Febreeze would ultimately be unsanitary. Dadgummit! I’m startin’ to realize that owning the Fantasy Bra is sure to be a laundering rigmarole. And besides, I previously paid $50 for a Victoria’s Secret Miracle Bra and I’m still waitin’ on a miracle! On second thought, I think I’ll just stick with whatever brand of bra they got on sale up at the Walmart.