Hey y’all!  I haven’t blogged in forevah and evah because I’ve been busier than a three legged cat in a litter box writing my new book, “Talk Southern To Me,” and making videos.  I’m going to do my best to get back on the blog train and thought I’d start by getting y’all prepared for the Oscars which are airing tonight, March 4th.

The Hollywood Oscars can be somewhat confusin’ to folks outside of the entertainment industry because most people haven’t even seen the films that are being celebrated.   Since I’m in the entertainment business and live in Hollyweird, I felt it was my duty to breakdown the films for y’all in southern parlance.

This year there are 9 best picture nominees. I have seen the all.   Here are my…

Southern Fried Film Reviews: 

The Shape Of Water – This is one of those luvy-duvy romance movies than southern men usually hate more than ironing clothes. A sad, lonely, woman who can’t talk cause she’s a mute, bless her heart, winds up happier than a boil weevil in a tub of grits ‘cause she finally meets her perfect mate. And even though this is a gooey love story, I think the only people who can truly understand it are southern men. Cause this is a movie about a woman who falls in love with a fish.

Darkest Hour- Winston Churchill gets madder than a wet hen cause the Nazis are ‘bout to roll up on his property.   Everybody in Churchill’s political party thinks he ougtta play pretty with that scoundrel, Hitler. But Churchill is stubborn as a mule and wants to show Hitler that England’s borders are horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. So Churchill puts up a fight and aims to beat the wind, pea and tar outta the Nazi’s. And the rest is history, y’all.

Phantom Thread- This feller, who’s wound up tighter than an eight-day clock, makes women’s clothes that are prettier than a magnolia. However, this feller’s personal life is a hot mess ‘cause he’s a womanizer who couldn’t be trusted even if his tongue came notarized. He finally picks a bone with the wrong woman and she gets ill as a hornet and doctors up his eggs with poisonous mushrooms. And if I’m lying God’s a possum, he survives the poison and falls madly in love with this woman because of the very fact that she poisoned him. Now don’t that beat all you ever stepped in?

Get Out- This is typical horror story about a gal who brings her boyfriend back home to meet her Mama and Daddy. And this poor ol’ feller is nervous as  a hound dog trying to pass a peach pit cause his white girlfriend has not told her Mama and Daddy that he’s African American. Turns out her parents don’t give a happy ha hoo and they roll out the hospitality as if the preacher were coming over for supper. He thinks everything is goin’ hunky-dory until this gal and her parents start acting plum cooky. He soon figures out this family is a bit touched. He wants to high tail it back home but the Mama tries to hypnotize him into stayin’. But he knows he’s gotta get out cause these white people are crazy as all get out.

Call Me By Your Name- This is a coming of age story about a 17-year old boy in Italy who’s hornier than a three horned billy goat. His raging hormones have him so confused about his sexuality that he has erotic experiences with a beautiful girl, a handsome man, and a peach. Do what? You heard me. But I’m gonna run that past ya again…this boy has sex with a peach. It’s a good thing this movie took place in Italy and not in my hometown Gaffney, South Carolina ’cause if that boy laid eyes on Gaffney’s pretty peachoid, I can gaurendangtee he’d wind up a registered sex offender.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri- It’s been month of Sunday’s since this poor ol’ woman’s daughter was murdered and she is fit to be tied because she thinks the po-lice are too lazy to get hungry and that’s why they still haven’t found a suspect. So she rents three billboards and puts up signs that are meant to embarrass the tar outta the Chief of po-lice. To be honest I was plum tuckered out when I was watching this movie. I only made it past two billboards before I fell asleep so I don’t have any earthly idea how the cookie finally crumbled.

The Post- This is a story about a woman who inherits a newspaper and poor thing, she has to deal with all these ornary men who don’t think a woman should be in charge of a newspaper. But now this woman knows if it’s got tires or testicles it’s bound to give ya trouble, so she ignores the idiotic advice given to her by these men and she decides to run a story exposin’ the fact that the government was lyin’ like a no legged dog. Turns out to be a good decision ‘cause business booms for the newspaper and the folks in Washington learn that your chickens always come home to roost.

Dunkirk- These foreign scallywags advance into France and turn a real nice beach into an absolute War Zone…sorta like Myrtle Beach during biker week. The trapped allied soldiers are in a real pickle so the British prime minister sends every civilian who owns a boat to go rescue the troops and tote ‘em back to safety.  All I have to say is…those soldiers were pretty dang lucky they weren’t stranded in the South during bass season.

Lady Bird- This is a movie about a mouthy, rebellious, redheaded teenage girl and her Mama who could worry Jesus off the cross.   The Mama judges every dang thing her daughter does…. nitpicking, hovering, lecturing… and then she has a dying duck fit when her daughter decides to move to NY.  You know I got a good mind to sue cause my Mama and I did not give these people permission to make a movie about us.

Hope you have a hoot and a holler watchin’ the Oscars, y’all!