Attack The Hacks, Y’all!

January 11, 2017

Dear President Elect Trump,

I am writing you as a concerned American citizen regarding the cyber security of the United States. It seems like every darn day there’s another story about Russian hackers and the potential threat of our government being hacked by North Korea, Iran, China or ISIS.  Good heavenly days, it’s enough to worry the horns off a billy goat.  Lord knows I don’t envy you, sir. Being President of the United States must be harder than snatching a cat in a whirlwind.

But don’t fret, sir, this Southern gal has come to your rescue. I have an idea that could potentially eradicate this pesky national security issue of hacking. Ya see, my personal accounts like, Amazon, Facebook, Instagram, PayPal, MasterCard, Visa and your favorite, Twitter, have all been hacked…more than once. Seems like every time I turn around I’m havin’ to create new passwords, destroy old passwords and remember new passwords…it puts enough stress on me to break a wooden Indian.  I know that phrase is probably not politically correct but I figure I can be Non-PC with you of all people. Anyhoo, exhausted with the rigamarole of my passwords constantly being hacked, I developed my own covert strategy against these hateful hackers…I create my passwords in Southern Slang. Here are a few examples:

Password: Fixintochunkthatpotliquor#82

Password: Goodgravypraytelldarntootin#91

Password: Dadgummitmymessoftatersnocount#65

I am pleased to inform you, sir, that since I have implemented my Southern Slang defense system my accounts have been secure. Now don’t that just beat all! It suddenly dawned on me that the United States government could also potentially be protected against foreign cyber threats by simply writing all classified information in country fried Southern slang! Just think about it…even if these hooligan hackers got their hands on classified information they would never be able to decipher it. Foreign hackers might know how to read English but I’ll assure you nobody’s taught Southern Slang to the Russians, Chinese, Iranians or North Koreans…and certainly not to ISIS.

Now I realize you’re a Yankee, bless your heart, so you may not immediately appreciate the value of my clandestine plan. But I will assure you that Southern Slang…particularly backwoods, country as cornbread, Southern Slang, is a secret code that even the intelligence community is not intelligent enough to decipher unless they were raised in the South. Here is a little example :

Zactly leben days ago whilst I wuz pilifering through my pocketbook, I spotted that skelter-eyed, scalleywag, Skeeter Ledbetter, out my winder and it scared my mule! That fool was trapsin’ slaunchways through my mater stakes buck nekid. I had a dyin’ duck fit cuz ol’ Skeeter is a bit tetched. He’s roof ain’t nailed on right and he’s pert nigh always toe up from the flo up on mason juice.  Bein’ a grass widow, and seein’ as my naybers wuz outta town, I had to cowboy up and skedaddle on out taire by my lonesome and deal with this shindy. I hollered a fer piece, “Skeeter urine big trouble!” but that rascal just tumped over backerds squarshin’ a mess of my maters.  I’s about to lose my religion, so I chunked a rock dereckly at ‘em but I caint hit the broad side of a barn so he jes carried on laid up daire playin’ possum. As I got right chaire at ‘em I tilted my eyes to Jesus to avoid seein’ his liddey biddy talleywabs and scolded, “Skeeter, I aim to rang the Shurf if you don’t giddup on outta here!” Skeeter, who was clearly higher than a Georgia pine, muttered, “Kin ya dew me a favor and lemme lay here aspel? I’s plum tard.” I sighed and ventually said, “Whale, senuous half a bubble off plumb you can lay ahere if yonto but it’s fixin’ to come up a frog strangler and you’re libala ketch yer death.” Then I moseied on back in the house shakin’ my noggin and thankin’, “I swanee, poor ol’ Skeeter’s gotta wheel down and his axel’s draggin’.”

Now President Trump just think how confusin’ it would be to our country’s enemies if all US Government classified information was written out like that. They’d be more confused than an Amish electrician. In my humble opinion this is a hunky dory defense plan. And there’s plenty of Southern folks up yonder in Congress that could help. You could start by asking Lindsey Graham to assist you with this task…might make y’all take a shine to each other. Fore ya know it our classified information will be secure and the two of y’all will be tighter than bark on a tree!

Peace love and chickens,
Julia Fowler